Condolences

Over the years I have attended many funerals of some of the nastiest people in the world. Many have been relatives and other people who pretended to be friends. At a young age, I often questioned why it was necessary to attend the ceremony of someone that everyone hated with a passion for good reasons. Until I turned 18 years old and considered an adult, I realised that no one could make a choice for me or force me to do anything that I didn’t want to do. That was the beginning of the change in the way I made my own decisions. Life has a way of teaching each of us lessons that we often must repeat over and over again before the light goes off in our heads. Life gave me a new perspective on the way I observed and listened to what people would say. After a while, it was clear that many of them were liars and peddlers of bullshit used to manipulate people and situations. Then it became fun to watch and listen to their lies, the movement of their eyes, the way they could never answer a question without touching their face or hair, and how they could never look into your eyes when responding.

It all reminds me so much of being in high school and college studying hard so that I could pass many exams. My brother was very clever when it came to learning how to study and remember details. He had a photographic memory and total recall. He taught me how to recall an image from memory with high precision — at least for a brief time long enough to pass the exams, after seeing it only once. After several months I begged him to stop teaching me and of course, he refused and became even tougher with me, even when I pretended to cry. I am still not sure how or why it worked, but it did. Initially, it scared me when I looked at the questions on one of my examinations when I was a sophomore working towards a degree in Education. I looked at the questions and started to see visual images with all the information I needed to complete my exam. It even scared me that others may be able to witness what I was seeing. Instead of bragging because I was excelling, I started to help other students pass their exams too. My brother also pushed me to listen, observe, and hear everything that was happening around us, then he would quiz me and demand to know who the biggest liar in the group was. To this day, I can still remember an aunt and uncle who lied constantly, and we would giggle.

Early in my career, I worked at a well-known Department of Public Health as a Health Educator. I am still friends with many of my great colleagues who were my best friends. When I think about the deputy director, I still shake my head because she was a horrible woman and extremely nasty to Black people. The shocker, she was African American but acted as if she hated anyone else from that race. We usually avoided her. I can remember when I was being harassed while working in a program called AIDS Education for Youth and traveling all over the United States, I went to have an honest conversation with her. She barely listened to what I was saying and kept interrupting me. Finally, she said, “If you aren’t happy here just leave”. Most staff members would have been in tears and played by her rules, but instead I said, goodbye and I hope I never see you again. She died a few years later and it made so many of us smile and share stories.

Why do people say nice things during funerals or memorial services about the horrible person that made their life a living hell? It always makes me laugh, especially when I remember all the horrible stories their family, friends, spouses, co-workers, partners, and public servants would share with me. When people say nice things during funerals about someone who was generally perceived as unpleasant or even harmful, several social, and cultural factors come into play:

• Social Expectations and Politeness: There is a strong social expectation to be respectful and kind during funerals, but obviously not honest. Speaking ill of the dead is often seen as inappropriate or disrespectful, regardless of the deceased’s behavior in life. Apparently, it’s better to speak negatively about them behind closed doors. People may feel obligated to adhere to these social norms to avoid causing additional pain to the bereaved family.
• Focus on Positive Aspects: Funerals are often viewed as a time to remember the positive aspects of a person’s life, no matter how few they may be. By focusing on any redeeming qualities or positive memories, mourners aim to provide some comfort to those grieving even while most people won’t believe the lies.
• Avoiding Conflict: Criticising the deceased during such a ceremony can lead to conflict and discomfort among those present, although chances are they may feel the same way. To maintain peace and avoid potentially volatile interactions, people often choose to highlight the positive aspects or just remain silent.
• Forgiveness & Closure: For some, funerals and/or memorials represent an opportunity to find closure and move past negative experiences. Many believe that speaking positively can be part of a personal or collective process of forgiveness and healing, allowing individuals to let go of grudges and focus on moving forward.
• Respect & Bereaved: Out of respect for the grieving or very happy family and friends, most people will suppress negative comments. Lessons in life, especially as I am getting older, have taught me to be honest with everyone or just stay quiet and hit the delete button. I wish to think that assholes don’t know or care that they are hated by almost everyone in their life.
• Selective Memory and Idealisation: In the context of death, people often tend to idealise or selectively remember the deceased. It can be challenging when there are no good qualities, just viciousness they distributed widely like grocery store fliers.
• Cultural & Religious Beliefs: Some cultures and religions promote the idea of speaking well of the dead to honour their soul, even if many of the stories are lies. Why bother to attend the services of people that mistreated or looked down at almost everyone.

When I die, I want a house party to be held in my honour with non-stop champagne flowing, delicious food, a mixture of my favourite music, and other party favours. So, how do you perform during these types of occasions? I would love to hear your thoughts.