Face of Suicide

Have you ever wondered what the face of suicide may look like as we go about our daily tasks in life? Most people don’t even think about it or fear having an open discussion with a loved one about their emotional state of mind. The difficult question is asking yourself if you have ever considered ending your life as a result of painful situations. Over the years when this topic would come up among my circle of friends, everyone would become uncomfortable and try to make light of the topic. We only need to look in the mirror to realise the face of suicide looks like all of us. It could be the face of my sister, brother, cousin, uncle, aunt, mother, father or a best friend. The face could be my face, too.

In my early twenties I lost a close friend that quietly committed suicide one evening. We were a part of a very close knit circle of friends that looked out for each other and spent most of our time with each other. We shared everything that was happening in our lives. The most difficult part of losing our friend was there were no obvious signs they were suffering, depressed or going through difficult times. At the end of a fun evening of dinner at one of the houses, with great wine, lots of music and dancing, we all went back to our homes, looking forward to the next encounter. When the call was received, each of us in the circle were in a shocked state of silence and blamed ourselves for not being more aware of any pain that may have been exhibited. My friend kept her pain hidden. Only now when I think of stories and conversations that she would tell to make us laugh, I decipher clear messages of the pain. Being young and immature didn’t help.

Last week I watched Roadrunner, a documentary about the life of a great chef, Anthony Bourdain who chose suicide.This amazing film really made me think about the issue of suicide and why it’s considered by many people. Whenever I hear about the suicide of a celebrity or someone that we admire for their great work, I become judgmental, thinking why would they do such a thing, they have money and fame, or what’s going to happen to the food travel show. Sounds very selfish I must admit. It’s not always possible to tell if someone is pondering suicide. Experts in the field tells us there are warning signs to look for, but not everyone shows these signs. Lessons in life have taught me that simply showing signs about suicide doesn’t always lead to an attempt. Surprisingly, many of the warning signs don’t mean that a person is contemplating suicide, but may suggest that something serious is happening in their life. So, what are some of the warning signs:

• Talking about death or violence
• Bullying of children at school or adults on jobs can push people over the edge
• Purchasing weapons or things that could be used for suicide such as large amounts of prescription medications
• Talking about dying or wanting to die
• Chronic pain or suffering from a disease
• Quick changes in mood
• Discussions about feeling trapped or hopeless
• Risky behaviours, including substance misuse
• Social isolation from friends, family and/or social events
• Sleeping more or less than usual
• Showing signs of extreme anxiety as a result of sexual or physical abuse

Many of these feelings or emotions have been triggered by the overall impact of COVID on everyone. Many of us have never experienced such a traumatic period as we are facing now. I can honestly say that living through the AIDS crisis was a depressing time in history, but it doesn’t compare to the COVID crisis today. The stress of living in a mask if we venture outside of our safe space is physically and mentally exhausting. For example, wearing a mask for several hours usually triggers my asthma, making it difficult to breathe. There is also the protest of anti-vaxxers demanding their freedom to not wear a mask or to get vaccinated, but wanting to be a part of society, even if they are spreading the infection. All of this causes mental and physical stress and anxiety that comes with traumatic impact on all of our bodies.

When we witness warning signs from those in our circle, what should we do? It’s important to ask people how they are feeling and to wait and listen for the answer. It helps to ask questions that demonstrate that we sincerely care. It really does help to validate the feelings of others. It can be difficult for those that shy away from talking about emotions or personal feelings with others. It’s totally understandable and in my opinion, it shouldn’t be done for the risk of causing more harm. Acknowledge that we can’t change someone’s thoughts and actions, but our words and actions may have more power than we are willing to believe. Actively listening to what others are saying and not saying is key.

Other celebrities that knocked me off my feet with their decision to end their lives include Kate Spade, that excelled in her creativity and imagination of her branding of handbags, phone cases, and everything in between. Her quirky look was unmistakable and recognised worldwide. Robin Williams was one of the funniest people that I grew up watching on television and laughing at his great sense of humour. His departure was shocking for many of us as we kept asking ourselves why.

So what can we do to support our friends, family members and colleagues? Well, we can:

• Reserve judgment. Don’t say anything that may sound judgmental or dismissive. Never say, oh, you’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.
• Take threats of suicide seriously. It’s a great opportunity to have a confidential conversation with someone that you genuinely care about.
• Offer support. Let them know that you are always available to meet or talk when needed.

My overall message today is to observe, be an active listener and don’t be afraid to show compassion for someone else. Remember, sometimes all the letters in the word HELP are silent.