Family Knots

Whenever I spend time with friends or colleagues, eventually problems with family members always jump out and everyone starts sharing stories, offering potential solutions, and mostly laughing about some of the ridiculous things that happen within the family structure. Initially, I thought that every family was perfect, much like the families on Leave it to Beaver, My Three Sons, Family Ties, The Andy Griffith Show, The Brady Bunch, The Cosby Show, Good Times, The Jeffersons and so many others. Real life families are much more complicated than those on television where each episode ends with smiling faces.

My family was unlike any of the fun families that we watched on television. I grew up in a very strict household with rules that had to be obeyed. Most times, my siblings and I didn’t obey them and looked for ways to avoid certain tasks. The result was always the same, strict punishment after many spankings. I always asked too many questions that seemed to challenge the master and rule maker of the house, my mother.

Lessons in life continue reminding me to observe and listen to everything going on around me. When I am in the local grocery store, I am shocked how children talk to their parents and demand candy bars or toys. Often, I have seen teenage children treating their mother or father like they are the children, sometimes using profanity. So, I started to take a closer look at what may be happening with families today. I am convinced that parenting is not an easy job especially during difficult times when trying to maintain a job, pay the bills and keep food on the table by any means necessary. Having a partner can also be stressful for many couples, especially if they are both working from home without adequate space.

Family life can be a place of refuge and security but for some it is a source of pain and disappointment. Our families absorb many of the stresses and strains from the outside world and the pressures can boil over. Sometimes a personal problem, particularly in a young person, can overwhelm a family and there seems to be no clear way forward. At other times changes within the family leave other members confused and angry or hurt.

My curiosity led me to ask more questions about family structures and the type of problems that may exist and try to understand why. I was overwhelmed with honest responses from everyone. Here are some of the reasons for family conflicts that were shared with me:

• Different personalities clashing and disagreements over ways of doing things.
• Conflict between brothers and sisters or just a strong difference of opinion where no one listens to the other person.
• Parents arguing with each other in front of children or loud enough so that children can hear every word. Often, young children start to believe they may be the reason their parents are fighting, and or yelling all the time at each other.
• Divorce or Separation can cause the most stress on families. It’s interesting to watch how love turns into hate with a drive to get even. Quite often, one of the parents may have the personality of a narcissist with a desire to destroy the person they previously loved. There is usually a lack of understanding that the only person being tortured through separations or divorce is the young child that is unable to understand why they are being pulled and used like a puppet from the Muppet Show.
• Having a new step-parent, step brothers or sisters and being treated poorly can have a major impact on children.
• Substance abuse plays a major role in many families. Many of my friends grew up in abusive household where one or both parents was alcoholic or on drugs. Children are often victims of verbal or physical abuse. Both can have a major impact on future lives.

Without knowing it, some parents can destroy their children with messages that can make it impossible to stand on theirown two feet. Several of my female friends were told by their parents that they need to get married and have a familybefore they turn 30 years old, or they are considered an old maid that no one would desire. Many know that it’s not true,but the voices remain in their heads and in their hearts making it difficult to love themselves. The struggle is to shut downthe negative voices that we have all heard throughout our lives. My family, originally from New Orleans spoke FrenchCreole. The leaders in the family decided that none of the children should be taught this language for fear that we wouldgrow up with an accent. It was a way for our parents and relatives to protect us from being discriminated against for beingdifferent. It became clear that it was a way to ensure our safety in life since they had been discriminated against theirentire lives.

Most family disagreements, fights, and arguments are caused by poor communication skills. Adults and children all needspace to explain their problems in all fairness. Making assumptions, even in the case of a family, is not the right thing todo. Depending on personalities, being totally open with one’s feeling can be unfamiliar or just difficult. For me, I havelearned to talk openly about my feelings, whether happy or sad.

Arguments are not a bad thing at all. They are normal, but if they get out of hand then they could be a problem. Instead offocusing on the words, it may help to focus on the why of the other person’s actions and behavior. If the disagreement isturning into a fight, call a time-out and come back to the point when you and the others have had time to cool down.

Living through the COVID-19 pandemic has been tough on everyone’s mental health and emotions. It’s important to be aware of what you are feeling and recognising what may trigger our emotions into the red zone of danger. Words can be painful, even when people may not say them to actually hurt the other person. Nevertheless, it can be painful for all parties involved. As we go about our business, be aware that many people are looking for an argument that may have nothing to do with you. For example, in my community market, many shoppers refuse to check in or to wear a mask while shopping for food. They will often look at you hoping that they can get a response out of you in order to start an argument or fight. Don’t buy into any of the nonsense. Always remember,”Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

All families can be difficult to cope with. After many years of struggling to be close to my family of uncles, aunts, andmany cousins, I made a difficult decision of cutting my losses and reenergising myself to find a solution to the chaos.That’s when I decided that a family does not have to be blood relatives as I was taught from a very young age. So, Icreated my own family of my best friends. You will always know when someone steps into your life that loves you andmay treat you better than the family that you grew up with. Year after year the new family structure became stronger andstronger, providing all the missing pieces that never existed in my family.

The best part of developing and selecting your own family structure is the ability to share information and disagree witheach other with love. Listening to what the other person is saying and hearing what they are feeling is an amazingapproach that just happens without planning it. Whenever I have an issue or problem that stresses me out, I bring it to myfamily of true friends who listen to everything I am saying and even more so to all the things that I am not saying. Honestfeedback is given. Nothing ever stops them from disagreeing with me or just telling me off, or showing me the middlefinger. The difference is we never walk away from each other without a solution or a plan. I always know we are lookingout for each other. The hardest part for most blood relatives is to share their honest feelings with one another, so the issuegets buried below ground until the next time. It’s like walking on thin ice and hoping that it won’t crack, but we all knowthat it will sooner or later.

So, as we move forward into a new year let’s think about ways that we can improve our relationships with each other andalso with ourselves.

Happy New Year!