Pathological Liars

To be honest, most of us lie occasionally. We’ve all told a white lie to protect someone’s feelings, or stretched the truth a little to avoid a conflict or get out of something we don’t want to do. Lying isn’t ideal in any situation.

Have you ever been in a relationship, business, or pleasure with someone who lies a lot? We’ve all encountered someone who bends the truth from time to time. But what happens when lying isn’t just an occasional slip-up, but a way of life? Pathological liars weave falsehoods so seamlessly that even they may believe their own stories. Their lies aren’t always driven by necessity or gain, making them difficult to spot and even harder to understand. In this post, we’ll dive into the psychology of pathological lying, the different types of liars, and how to recognize them before they cause harm.

All children grow up telling lies after observing things their parents say or share with other adults. At a very young age, I can remember my mother telling people how beautiful they looked in a new dress or how lovely their hair was after they spent hours at the hair salon with Ms. Sadie. As children, we struggled to hide our giggles because Ms. Sadie was the worst hairdresser in our community, but she was the only one available. My sister hated going into the shop because she would come home with hair or ear burns from Ms. Sadie using the straightening or curling iron incorrectly and being too busy gossiping with everyone. My brother and I were thrilled to avoid all the torture. These were called ‘white lies’ because no harm was meant. Nevertheless, when we told ‘white lies’ as children the belt was never spared even when I presented a great argument with my mother. Yep, I got it worse than my brother or sister.

A white lie is considered a minor, harmless, or trivial lie often told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, to avoid minor inconveniences, or to be polite in social situations. Unlike more serious forms of deception, white lies are typically seen as socially acceptable and are often justified by the intention behind them. The primary motivation for telling a white lie is usually to protect someone’s feelings or to avoid unnecessary conflict. White lies are generally intended to be harmless. They are often used to smooth over social interactions, avoid awkward situations, or provide comfort. For instance, telling a child that their drawing is beautiful, even if it isn’t technically impressive, can boost their confidence and encourage them to keep drawing or give them a false belief. In many cultures, white lies are considered a normal part of social etiquette. They can serve as social lubricants that help maintain harmony and avoid unnecessary discomfort in everyday interactions. For example, pretending to be busy to avoid a social event you don’t want to attend is a white lie used to prevent hurting someone’s feelings. In an episode of Seinfeld, everyone lies to a mother, saying what a beautiful baby. Of course, Gerry’s neighbour Kramer screams when he sees the baby’s face. In my opinion, a lie is still a lie, regardless of the intentions.

A pathological liar not only lies frequently but may feel a compulsion to do so. These types of liars are unable to stop lying even when it causes psychological distress, puts them in danger, and creates problems with relationships, work, or other aspects of daily life. Furthermore, pathological lying tends to start early, in adolescence and young adulthood. They are frequently untruthful for no good reason. They harm themselves with their behaviour but keep doing it despite any consequences. Pathological liars weave falsehoods so seamlessly that even they may believe their own stories. Their lies aren’t always driven by necessity or gain, making them difficult to spot and even harder to understand.

So, what are the types of liars seeking an opportunity to fool you, me, and everyone?

· Compulsive

· Manipulative

· Narcissistic

· Sociopathic

· Attention Seekers

Compulsive Liar: Lying is second nature to them; they do it even when the truth would suffice. Their lies often seem unnecessary or even self-sabotaging. They may struggle to distinguish between truth and fiction over time. A good example is when a friend claims they were at an exclusive event, even when there is no real reason to lie about it. Lying feels more natural to them than telling the truth.

Manipulative Liar: They lie with the intent to deceive, control, or gain an advantage over others. Their lies are calculated to control situations and/or people. They will often lie to avoid responsibility or to gain an advantage. They are skilled at gaslighting others, making them question their reality. For example, a co-worker lies about completing a project and blames you when confronted by a manager.

Narcissistic Liar: They fabricate stories to boost their self-image, seeking admiration and validation. Remind you of anyone who lies every time their mouth opens, bombarding the world with misinformation and horrific lies? They exaggerate their accomplishments, wealth, or importance to appear powerful. Their lies are often grandiose and meant to enhance their self-image. They want to be the centre of everyone’s conversation and may react aggressively if their lies are exposed. For instance, a date who constantly brags about their high-profile connections, which usually turns out to be false.

Sociopathic Liar: They lie with no remorse, even when their deception hurts others. Often, they will fabricate stories for their gain, thrill, or to manipulate others. Be aware, they are often charming and persuasive to deceive with ease. Such as a scam artist who convinces people to invest in a fake business or product.

Attention-Seeking Liars: They create stories to gain sympathy, veneration, or respect. It’s no surprise when they declare to have experienced dramatic or tragic events to receive attention. Don’t be surprised when they engage in victimhood to manipulate others into supporting them. To give you an idea, when a friend or colleague constantly fakes illnesses or crises to keep people focused only on them.

At a very young age, my mother taught me and my siblings to be observant, a good listener, to hear all the things that were not said, and to pay very close attention to body language. Some liars avoid eye contact because they may feel anxious or guilty. Others may overcompensate by making too much eye contact to appear believable. Fidgeting with hands, touching their face, or playing with objects, such as a pen or mobile phone. If you observe, they rub their noses or cover their mouths to try to hide the lie. They may smile or laugh at inappropriate times. They often exhibit forced or exaggerated expressions, such as an overly dramatic surprise or sadness. Speaking too fast or too slow helps them to mentally craft their lies. Some liars get physically anxious and may sweat more than usual.

Here are a few ways to recognise a pathological liar that may be residing within our inner circle of friends and work colleagues:

· Inconsistent Stories — Their narratives change frequently and may contradict previous statements.

· Over-the-top Details — Often, they add unnecessary or exaggerated elements to make their stories more believable.

· Defensive Behaviour — When confronted, they may become angry or attempt to redirect blame.

· Lack of Remorse — They show little guilt, even when caught telling a lie. Instead of stopping, they start making up more lies. One of my greatest pleasures has always been watching someone who can’t stop lying. It’s amusing to observe their nervous chatter with a smile.

· The Pattern of Deception — Lying is a repeated behaviour, not just an isolated incident.

When communicating with liars in your workplace, document everything. Keep records of conversations, emails, text messages, or any false claims they make. Remember to establish clear boundaries and don’t engage in their stories or enable their deception. If their lies impact your work environment, escalate the issue to your manager, supervisor, or Human Resources (HR). In all cases, try to avoid any confrontation. Pathological liars can be manipulative, so, stick to facts instead of arguing.

Dealing with a friend can be touch and go. Take their words with a grain of salt and verify important information. If their lies affect you, calmly express how it impacts the friendship. If their dishonesty is toxic, consider distancing yourself from the relationship. Unfortunately, these types of liars exist in families. Sometimes, relatives can be more poisonous and vindictive towards you. In dealing with a romantic partner or spouse, try to recognise the red flags early. Frequent lying, shifting stories, or displaying odd behaviours are major warning signs. If, and when you address these issues, try having an honest conversation with your partner, spouse, or friend, but be prepared for denial or defensiveness. Try to protect yourself emotionally. Lying can be deeply damaging in relationships. It’s important to know when to walk away. If lying becomes a pattern, it may be time to leave for your well-being.

We just finished watching a great series, based on facts, about a pathological liar and all the damage that existed. The show is called, Apple Cider Vinegar, a true-ish story based on a lie about a woman who claimed to have cured her terminal brain cancer through alternative therapies and nutrition. It was a scheme to get rich while standing in the spotlight and misleading lots of people to believe her fake story.

Pathological liars can create chaos, confusion, and emotional distress for those around them. Identifying the warning signs and understanding their motivations can help you navigate interactions with them effectively. All situations must be analysed so that you can make the best decision. Don’t be too hard on yourself if the liar convinces you that they will change. Whether at work, in friendships, or in romantic relationships, setting boundaries and protecting your mental well-being should always be a priority.